The Gift of Independence: An Encore Performance

Last year, I blogged about giving the gift of independence, by teaching your child basic domestic skills that he will use when he is on his own.  I suggested that the holidays was an ideal time to instill these skills, including sewing homemade gifts, ironing the home-made gift, budgeting for store-bought gifts, setting a holiday table, and baking holiday treats.

Rather than scramble at the last minute the summer before college, to teach your child how to do laundry, cook a basic meal, sew on a button, or iron a shirt, teach him through the fun activities we do around the holidays.  It could pay off in the long run, when he is cooking for his roommates, giving gifts on a shoestring budget, ironing his clothes for a job interview, or enjoying a first formal dinner with the boss. 

When our children are very young, we sometimes make homemade goodies for gift giving.  This can be a great activity at any age, because each year we may teach more complicated skills.  This is a good time to teach basic cooking skills like boiling, baking, roasting, and frying, or more advanced skills such as the differences between frying and sautéing, stirring and folding, beating and blending, dicing, mincing and chopping, or identifying the various types of flours, sugars, and chocolates.  Then there are all the measuring skills including how to divide or double a recipe. Proud grandparents, grateful friends, or delighted acquaintances, will appreciate a young person’s efforts, but these skills could be a benefit when your child is ready to go off to college and later live in his own apartment. Perhaps he may cook for the crowd, rather than rely on frozen TV dinners, take-out pizza, and unhealthy convenience foods.

We hope our children will learn to dress for success, but that takes skill too. Getting dressed up for the holidays or any special occasion could entail ironing a shirt, pants, or dress; sewing on a missing button or repairing a sagging hem; and laundering clothes according to the washing directions.  When it comes time for the big interview or a dinner meeting with his first employer, your child will literally have his best foot (no sneakers allowed) forward.

And speaking of success, it could be helpful to understand all the extra silverware on a table or the difference between wine, champagne, port, and liqueur, when the business meeting is at a five-star restaurant.  Having your child set the table for a holiday meal and partake in the festivities could be an ideal time to teach such etiquettes.

Based on phone calls that I receive from adolescents, I think we have forgotten to teach phone manners.  Have your child call relatives and friends to invite to a party or gathering.  Teach him how to identify himself to the receiver, speak with correct grammar, in an appropriate voice tone, and to end the conversation with the appropriate ending.  This will come in handy when talking with admissions representatives, setting up job interviews, or making information inquiries.

We rely on schools to teach the academics, but it is parents that teach most life skills.  It’s so much more fun to learn through fun activities that bring joy to others.  Happy holidays!  When the baking, cooking, cleaning, and gift-making is over for this year and you are ready to think about the college search, I’m happy to help you in this next step toward independence. Contact me through my website at www.ruthbrodskyconsulting.com.

Count Your Blessings, then Add One More

Thanksgiving is the traditional occasion that we think about our many blessings, including family, special friends, collegial acquaintances, shelter, food on the table, educational opportunities, employment, and other people, resources, and opportunities that add richness to our lives.  Personally, I am thankful for all of these, and all the unique experiences that I have had, since retiring from the educational institutions that employed me for 30+ years. 

While my children were young and living at home, and I was employed full time, our family found time to volunteer in many capacities throughout the community.  Not unlike many, I was active in PTAs, my place of worship, and local food kitchens, while my spouse and children found their own worthwhile causes to support with their time and energy.

Now that my children are grown, independent, and finding new causes to support, I am one of the lucky ones, upon retirement, to follow my passion of working with adolescents, young adults, and families, as a self-employed business owner. In pursing the business of finding good fit colleges or technical schools for many of my clients, I have become involved in many community organizations, volunteering my services where they fit. 

I hope that many of my clients can take advantage of some of the worthwhile educational and advocacy groups that are in our community.  One such group is the Learning Disabilities Association of America (LDA), and its many affiliates.  Our local affiliate group, LDAMC (Montgomery County, MD) is extremely active, benefitting the community in numerous ways.  Check out their website at http://www.ldamc.org. This group sponsors workshops for parents, educators, and people with learning disabilities, inviting well-known professionals in the field to speak or lead discussions, local agencies to present on current issues, or professionals to teach about educational processes and procedures. One of their unique alliances is the Hangout Hive, a social network and support group for young people with learning disabilities. Another distinctive group is the Parent Connection, a peer-support group for parents of students with learning disabilities. Members have access to the latest current information through the LDAMC Hotline. Their website offers a list of local resources that include tutors, educational consultants, counselors, coaches, diagnostic professionals, and much more.  Members also have access to a monthly newsletter, filled with tips, articles, a listing of all upcoming events, and much more. 

I am active in this outreach group, which is always looking for new approaches to inform the public about issues surrounding the field of learning disabilities.  They are a caring and passionate group of people.  I am thankful for the advocacy of LDAMC and encourage you to add one more blessing to your list, by attending one of their many events in the coming year, making a donation to support the cause, or offering your own services by becoming active in LDAMC.  Happy Thanksgiving!

American students abroad pushed out of 'bubbles' - Boston.com

American students abroad pushed out of 'bubbles' - Boston.com

The study abroad experience should be more of a cultural encounter, than an extended party-like happening.

A Positive Choice

The stress is increasing and the stakes are high. Colleges say they are looking for well-rounded students, with good academics in a challenging curriculum, extracurricular activities that support their passions, and volunteer experiences in their local and global communities.  In addition to taking challenging curriculums, such as IB programs, AP courses, and pre-college post-secondary programs, many students are finding other ways to enhance their high school transcripts. Some participate in summer internships, volunteer in global service projects, or travel abroad to gain experience in the world, while others do it all.

But what happens to those students who can’t do any of it, for financial reasons, academic struggles, social shortcomings, or logistical difficulties?  Many of my clients have learning disabilities or ADHD, and have struggles beyond what the average student is juggling. Some are striving to keep up with a challenging curriculum, in order to maintain a good grade point average (GPA), which often results in little or no participation in extracurricular activities.  Others are taking summer classes, in order to keep their yearlong classes to a minimum, resulting in the inability to travel, participate in a summer internship, or join a volunteer project.  And others are being tutored over the summer, have summer jobs to earn needed money, or are participating in local programs. Not to mention that many students, with or without learning issues, just cannot afford time away from home or need the finances for more mundane necessities.

A recent article in the NY Times entitled “How to Make That College Essay Special” (August 6, 2011), talked about the essay as being more than a showcase of overseas trips and unpaid internships.  The emphasis was on taking whatever experiences a student has had and making it into a catchy essay, by writing about the ordinary in an extraordinary style.  With a little thought and creativity, an ordinary experience can make great reading material. 

I tell my students not to worry about what they are unable to do, but what they have done.  When it comes to writing an essay, preparing for an admissions interview, or writing a personal statement on a college application, the college reps want to know more than your what your GPA, transcript, or college entrance exams say.  This is a student’s sales pitch about how he overcame obstacles, stayed on a steady path, reached out to others, worked to fill a need at home, been influenced by interesting people, or made the best of a difficult situation. It’s not the experience, as much as it is how the experience has impacted the student.  An ordinary experience can be an amazing story, told with a positive spin, a creative style, and a personal touch.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?

By law, colleges are not allowed to ask personal questions of their applicants.  On applications, in interviews, or other correspondences, admission officers must stay away from outright asking about your nationality, religion, age, marital or family status, health and physical disabilities, among a few other off-limits topics.  A good interviewer can discover the information he needs by phrasing questions in such a way that is not illegal, intrusive or offensive to the applicant.  For example, they cannot ask, “What is your native tongue?”, but they can ask, “What languages do you read, speak or write fluently?”

So a typical question from many of my clients is “Do I tell them that I have a learning disability?” The answer is not simple, because it depends.  On the application, the college admissions representatives want to know basic information about a student and her family.  It is usually the essay, personal statement, and/or the additional information section that asks for more information about a student’s character.  My usual response to the question of disclosure is “no”, because colleges want to know what defines a student, or makes them unique, or how a student’s passions impact her life.  Usually a passion has nothing to do with a student’s disabilities, but about her abilities and how well she uses them.  In some cases though, a learning disability could define a student, because she has had to work harder to produce good grades, struggle more with academic materials, make harder choices about course loads, find ways to fit in extra-curricular activities between homework assignments that take longer than the average student, among other uphill battles.  In some cases, the student has struggled for many years, and just recently found out she has a learning disability, and finally has an explanation for her years of struggle. So writing an essay or making a personal statement about being successful, despite a learning disability, could be the way to go.

Sometimes disclosure is a way to explain discrepancies in a transcript.  If the student has good grades, but poor entrance exam scores, or vice versa, an admissions rep will want to know why.  Explaining the discrepancy, before being asked, might be a responsible tactic.  This is especially true, if the student never has a chance to have an admissions interview. This information may fit perfectly in the “Additional Information” section, saving the personal statement or essay for the passions, impacts, and unique experiences.  The key element is to not make excuses for lesser grades or poorer scores, but to explain how the student compensates for one or the other in school. 

Disclosure can sometimes explain a poor transcript, in general.  Less desired grades and poor test scores should be explained.  But again, explanations are preferred, rather than excuses.  The student needs to leave the admissions rep with the impression that the student is a worthwhile candidate for their college. Perhaps the student perseveres despite obstacles, has learned how to process constructive criticism, and now knows when to ask for help.

If the student has the opportunity to have an interview, prior to applying to the college, she may want to talk about her learning disability and how it has impacted her academic success or her personality. Then the admissions representative can be more impressed by the application package.  If the student interviews after an application has been submitted, the student can use this time to further explain discrepancies, or impress the rep with her successes despite her many obstacles. 

Often disclosure is not necessary at all, during the application process.  However, upon acceptance and the decision to attend a particular college, the student must disclose the disability to Disability Support Services in order to obtain needed accommodations.  Read my blog from September 2010, at www.ruthbrodskyconsulting.com, to understand that process better.

Table Talk

One of my most memorable family times, both growing up and as a parent, was dinnertime, when the whole family came together to eat and share their day.  It gave us all an opportunity to catch up on everyone’s happenings, discuss the global world, as well as the local and personal events that affected our lives.  As a parent, these dinners were times for our children to discuss homework assignments- the “stupid” ones along with the intriguing ones; to get ideas for essays and research papers, to share book reviews of English assigned novels, as well as books that they were reading for pleasure; and to discuss teachers’ personalities, quirks, and teaching styles.  My husband and I were both educators, so it gave us a chance to hear different perspectives on school classes, their most beloved and detested teachers, and general goings on around their schools.  We also learned more about their music, books, TV shows, movies, political outlooks, friends, and social events. Sometimes it was just a time to hear what our kids were thinking at that moment, or to listen to them discuss and debate issues among themselves. 

My children are all adults now, but when they return home for family events, we continue our dinnertime conversations.  Now we have more than our immediate family present, because spouses and significant others join us in these tête-à-têtes, and therefore our conversations have broadened to new perspectives.  We still talk about the same types of topics- books we are reading, movies we have seen, political movements we are apart of, trips we have taken, reviews of various kinds, adventures we have encountered, people we have met, friends’ dilemmas and status, and so much more.  The dinnertime dialogue was and continues to be a satisfying experience for our family.

Other families like and unlike us, with different family structures, more scheduled times, and technology tune-outs, may have a different look to the dinnertime table talk, but the intent is the same- to keep lines of communication open. Between chauffeuring kids to sports’ practices, play rehearsals, camp, friends’ houses, the library, and fast food stops, our kids and we are so over scheduled, that it seems that there is little chance for family time.  But with a commitment to make it happen, and a bit of creativity, the opportunities are there.  In talking to some of my clients, I find that some talk on the way to and from church, others have scheduled family councils, or special downtime before everyone retires to their respective areas for the night, or a routine dinner on the way home from a scheduled practice. The venue may change with age and schedules, but the purpose is still the same- to listen, discuss, commiserate, laugh, relax, and support each other.  And no matter how each family is configured, each child gains various perspectives on an issue, from a variety of ages, maturity levels, genders, and can evaluate each one according to his own maturity level. 

In my role as a college consultant, I help students brainstorm for the “infamous” college essay.  I find that many clients draw on their experiences with family to write an interesting and eye-catching essay. Besides the enjoyment of talks with parents, siblings, significant others, grandparents, and extended family, family time becomes a great source for shared stories, creative writing topics, persuasive speeches, and the college essay.  

Beyond the Sales Pitch

So you plan to visit a few colleges this fall.  After checking each college website and finding the tour times, you now need to make your plans to include more than the “sales pitch”.  The typical college campus tour includes an informational session that tells you about popular majors, tuition and financial aid, the admission process, and sometimes the current freshman profile.  Then the tour offers you a quick sweep around the campus to see the dorms, student union, dining hall, sports arena, and perhaps the newest and most prestigious building on campus.  You will see what the college wants you to see, its chief selling points. Hopefully you will have an enthusiastic and personable tour guide, who will take time to answer questions and share some insider information from his perspective.  Often these campus ambassadors are students who are involved in many activities across campus, getting excellent grades to keep their scholarships current, and often do not represent your average student on the campus. Ask questions on the tour, or if you are too shy, ask your parent to ask the questions.  Be sure you listen to the answer!  Usually, after the tour, you will be able to meet with an admissions representative who may ask you questions about your interests and why you are considering this college.  This is also a good time to have a few of your own questions to show that you have a genuine interest in exploring this college.

Try to visit mid-week, when students are in classes, rather than a Friday, when many students are leaving early for the weekend.  If possible, visit colleges before you apply, because it will give you a better idea about whether you even want to apply.  Sometimes a general feeling about the campus, or your guide’s talk will influence your decision to apply. However, try not to judge the campus totally on the tour guide, the admissions meeting, or the total “sales pitch”.  Whether your initial impression is good or bad, you need to do more exploring of the campus.

So how do you find out more about the campus beyond the “dog and pony show”?  First, you need to make sure that you allot more than the two hours for the college information session and campus tour.  When you make the call to the college to set up a visit, you should also set up a time to visit at least one class, but preferably two classes.  One class should be a typical introductory freshman class, because these are usually the larger classes on campus, and the type that a new student will take several of.  The other class should be one in the desired major, or if you have no idea what you want to major in, then pick a topic of interest.  You could check out the catalog and find a course of interest or if you know someone who attends that school, ask for a suggestion.

Next, make sure you have a chance to walk around campus on your own, with your parents who probably brought you. If you have an idea about a major, go to the building that houses most of the courses, labs, and lecture halls.  Look at the bulletin boards for research projects, travel opportunities, lectures on interesting topics, and community service events.  Eat in the dining hall. Do the students look happy? Do they sit in segregated or integrated groups? What is the variety of food?  How was your meal? What else goes on in the dining hall, besides the daily meals? Look around campus, at the bulletin boards and posters for weekend events, special lectures, performances, clubs and sports activities. Stop to talk to students on campus; most students are happy to tell you about their experiences at the college. Pick up a campus newspaper to read later on. If you are staying overnight in town, be sure to check out some of the college nightlife. 

Here’s another tip! Bring your camera and take photos.  This will spark your memory about the campus and what you liked.  And take notes! Let your parents be your note-taker, so you can pay attention to the tour and be observant of the campus. Ask them to write down things that sparked your attention.  They can write their own thoughts down and you can compare notes later.  Or if none of you can tour and take notes at the same time, do a joint “brain dump” when you get back to the car.  You don’t want to forget certain things or find that one college visit blends into another.

If you are a student with an IEP or 504 Plan, you should allow time to visit Disability Support Services (DSS).  If this is your first time visiting the campus, you don’t have to disclose your name, but you should go in to see the facilities, meet some of the staff, and ask a few questions.  If you made an appointment ahead of time to speak with a DSS representative, perhaps you can speak a little about your situation and the supports that are helping you to succeed in high school. You should also make note of where the DSS office is located on campus, to see if it is accessible to classes, the dorms, or the center of student life.   It’s accessibility on campus may determine how likely you are to use the facilities.

Once you have narrowed your college choices, you should stay overnight at as many campuses as possible.  If you know a current student there, try to spend one day and night or a weekend with her.  This will allow you to see what the dorms are really like, taste the food in the dining hall, experience what social activities are available and well attended, and see when and where students are congregating and studying. If you don’t know anyone at a particular college, the admissions office will usually be able to arrange an overnight with a host student, who can show you around, introduce you to her friends, and answer some of your burning questions, that weren’t addressed on the tour.  If you are serious about a particular college, arrange to meet with a professor in your field of interest. Ask questions about research opportunities or internships.  If you are considering participating in a sport, arrange another visit with the coach. 

If you need help in organizing your college visits, need a list of questions to ask DSS, or a checklist for campus tours, or just want more information on how to proceed with the college search, contact Ruth Brodsky at www.ruthbrodskyconsulting.com. Ruth has helped numerous students navigate this important and exciting adventure.